


like an angel in a nightmare

by colourmeblue



Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Flirting, Healing, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25968913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: Beauregard Lionett, wise and intelligent and capable of leading, knows that all of these thoughts and feelings and actions translate to someone being in love.She knows that.She does.It doesn’t stop her from acting like an absolute idiot, though.(Spoilers for E106.)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595863
Comments: 21
Kudos: 323





	like an angel in a nightmare

Beauregard Lionett, capable of absolutely anything she puts her mind to, is reduced to an awestruck mess while in the presence of her teammate, and she doesn’t know how it happened.

She’s not always the best with women. She can be awkward, sometimes too crass, and her game can be a little all over the place, but she’s certainly able to make a move. It even _works_ when she plays her cards right. She can flirt and she can most definitely kiss someone without even thinking twice about it.

But when it comes to Yasha… she has absolutely no idea.

It hits her that they haven’t had an extended period alone together like that since their last watch together. Since before Yasha was taken by Obann. Every other moment she’s had with Yasha since then, they’ve been accompanied by either Fjord or Jester or the entire group. And things are different when it’s just the two of them. They always have been.

Beau can be cheeky and ask Yasha to carry her when everyone else is around. When she’s injured or tired or wants some attention. She can ask Yasha to catch her - as what was mostly a joke - and act like a fool when everyone else is around. She can call her beautiful or say that the dress she wore in Nicodranas was incredible or ask if she wants to have a drink with her when someone else is around.

But there’s something about when it’s just the two of them. Like she _wants_ to be serious. Like she _wants_ it to be something more. A certain layer is stripped away, leaving them both bare and vulnerable. The weight of their pasts and everything they’ve gone through together hovers over them precariously, and Beau doesn’t want to make a wrong move.

She spent a minute in Yasha’s arms. Sixty seconds being carried by a beautiful and graceful winged Yasha. But she wouldn’t have been able to tell you how long it was. It was like time had stopped entirely for her. All Beau could see was Yasha’s face and the sunshine making her wings glow. She’d never been so close to her face, and it was dangerously intoxicating.

She barely even noticed that they were drifting above a beautiful paradise of an island. The view must’ve been amazing, but she certainly didn’t see it.

Once they landed, Beau's sure she’s never wanted to kiss someone so badly in her entire life. And it was there. The moment. She could’ve. It was perfectly set up. Like some divine intervention allowed the two of them to be up there together, out of sight from the others. Like it was fate that they were to have this beautiful, life-changing, intimate moment with one another.

But she was completely frozen. Heart beating out of her chest. Staring at Yasha like she’d just taken down a hundred enemies and saved Beau from certain death. _Nervous._

Beauregard Lionett, wise and intelligent and capable of leading, knows that all of these thoughts and feelings and actions translate to someone being in love.

She knows that.

She does.

It doesn’t stop her from acting like an absolute fucking idiot, though.

It takes 40 minutes for them to get back down the volcano to join the others, and Beau thinks they should’ve just jumped.

Not because she doesn’t want to spend more time alone with Yasha. Quite the opposite. But the tension from the previous moment, all the built-up adrenaline, is still sitting in the air around them and Beau still doesn’t know how to act.

The climb down is precarious, and combine it with the fact that Beau is absolutely paying more attention to Yasha than where she’s walking is a dangerous combination.

She decides to go first, because she’s much more dexterous than Yasha and maybe she can help them both avoid some of the more difficult parts of the path. Also, if she falls, it won’t hurt her as much as it’ll hurt Yasha. 

So, of course, it’s Beau that slips and falls first.

Some loose rock crumbles underneath her feet, and her foot goes sliding out from under her. Before she has a moment to react, a strong arm hooks around her waist, and she’s quickly being pulled backwards. Her back meets what she knows immediately to be Yasha’s very firm body, and she feels just about every part of her own body flush hot.

Beau tries to catch her breath, and she’s not sure if it’s the shock of almost falling or being pressed against Yasha.

“You okay?” It really doesn’t help that Yasha’s voice is just behind her ear.

“Definitely. Very much. Yes.”

Only once she’s replied does Yasha’s arm move away from her waist. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t… paying attention.”

“Don’t worry, neither am I.” 

Beau finally turns to look at Yasha, who is smiling at her. Her hair is still damp from crashing into the pool, and hiking in the humid weather is causing sweat to form on her brow. Beau has to blink as she looks at her, because it’s like she can still see the bright, magnificent wings protruding from her back.

_Heaven Falls, indeed._

“Maybe we should’ve just jumped,” Beau jokes.

Yasha smiles wider. “I think this waterfall has had enough of us.”

“I dunno. It was in the presence of an angel just now. Doubt it sees that very often.”

Yasha shakes her head with a smile, and Beau can see the pink tinge on her cheeks. _Fuck_. It’s cute.

“Maybe I should…” Yasha points down the unsteady path ahead of them. “I should go first.”

“I won’t be able to help you if you fall,” Beau points out. “Just… you know.”

“I know. It’s okay.” There’s an ease to the way Yasha replies that makes Beau believe her instantly. It’s strange. She can be incredibly calming when she wants to be.

Yasha takes the lead for the rest of the way, and to Beau’s surprise, there isn’t a single incident the entire way down. Of course, it makes Beau feel like a fool, but she has to admit, she _really_ enjoys having Yasha look after her. Look out for her. She’s strong and protective by nature, and on top of that, she _cares_. She’s gentle, especially when it matters most. That kind of combination is rarer than expected, and Beau feels safe around her. And she definitely feels better going into battle knowing that her partner in melee, her affectionately-named sentinel babe, is right beside her.

Beau lets her lead all the way until they reach the ground, and gives an impressed nod once they get there. Maybe she should shoot herself up geysers of water more often, if this is what she’s going to get out of it.

Once they return to the group, both Veth and Jester are staring at her. They _were_ gone for a while, it doesn’t surprise Beau that they think something happened. As much as she is still thinking about whether she should’ve kissed Yasha up there, she’s still hesitant. As much as she wants to make the first move, the first move _should_ be Yasha’s. At least, in her head.

The fact that she’s thinking about this as a long-term thing is… new. That’s not a thought that crosses her mind very often when it comes to women she’s attracted to.

Maybe this isn’t the best time to be considering this.

She shrugs off her teammates’ excessive staring and eyebrow wriggling and attempts to get back to the task at hand, all while stuck on the white-golden wings that she knows she’s going to be thinking about for a long time.

\------

Despite her nature, Beau isn’t particularly fond of parties. Unless it involves getting drunk and hooking up with people. Even then, that was the old Beau who ran around Kamordah causing chaos. Now, unless she’s drinking alongside someone who she really enjoys the company of, parties tend to fall flat.

And when you have a bottomless flask that your friend gave you and you’re on a tropical island with no bar in sight, there isn’t a lot of people drinking along with you.

Still, a celebration is an excuse to do so, and she finds herself just taking mindless sips from it before, during and after her conversation with Vilya.

She doesn’t feel like celebrating. If anything, she feels a little out of place.

That thought drives her to look for Yasha, because if there’s anyone who’s going to be as uncomfortable as she is, it’s Yasha. And she finds her. Sitting with her back against a tree, observing the merriment around her as a group of kids go running past with what looks like Beau's bottle rockets. She looks fine. Then again, she’s looked okay for a while now. As if things are finally getting back on track for her.

Beau takes some time, but eventually sidles over and sits down beside her. Maybe she’s still stuck on everything that happened with the wings. Maybe she hopes that some of Yasha’s recent hopeful glow will rub off on her a little bit. Maybe she just wants to be close to her. Maybe it’s just the alcohol.

Still.

Yasha greets her with a small smile, as if she’s unsurprised that Beau has made her way over to her. As if she knew she was coming.

When Beau takes another mindless swig from the flask, it’s like Yasha’s eyes are glued to her.

“You’ve been, uh… drinking from that all night.” There’s no judgement in her voice. It’s a simple statement. And she’s right. Clearly, she’s been paying attention to Beau’s movements for the past hour or so. “I know it’s a celebration but… it doesn’t seem like you’re celebrating.”

Beau scoffs, but it quickly becomes a chuckle. “I shouldn’t have taken it from Veth.” She looks at the flask in her hand. “If I drink when shitty things have been happening, or _alone_ , it’s not really a great combo, y’know? Just makes me feel worse sometimes.”

Yasha stops for a moment. “Maybe I should… hold on to it for the rest of the night.”

It’s probably not the best thing - Beau having a flask with infinite whiskey in it. Especially after everything that’s happened recently, with her father and the hag. Things she still hasn’t necessarily talked about or dealt with. Like everything else, she buried it deep and hoped that physically getting away from the mainland would take her mind off it. It worked, for a little while.

She doesn’t even know why she took the flask. The opportunity just presented itself and she grasped it. Maybe they should’ve left it in Vokodo’s lair. Given it to some pirate in Vo. Thrown it into the volcano.

Still, she hands the flask over to Yasha, not even giving it a second glance. She doesn’t want it right now anyway.

Yasha pockets it before turning back to Beau. “I thought you’d be… feeling good after today.”

Beau turns to Yasha with a smile, and it’s sincere. “Today was… today was great.” And she means it. Being a badass, defeating Vokodo, freeing a whole village of captives, Yasha’s wings, _flying_. The last thing she wants is for Yasha to think she’s taking any second she spent in her arms today for granted. “It’s not about today. Guess I’ve just been… thinking about Travellercon and what we have to go back to once it’s all over. This place has been shitty, but… it’s kind of nice to get away from, y’know, the war and politics and gods and family issues and whatever the fuck else.” The world could’ve fallen apart while they were gone and they wouldn’t have even known about it.

Yasha watches her patiently, soft eyes illuminated by the bonfire in the distance.

Beau looks towards the ground. “Everything today… with the wings… it’s the best I’ve felt in… I don’t even fuckin’ know how long.” And she doesn’t just mean that in a ‘I-may-or-may-not-have-a-thing-for-Yasha’ kind of way. It’s been a long time since she’s felt free. Felt _real_ enjoyment. Participated in something _fun_. It’s also been a long time since she’s been able to have a moment alone with Yasha, and she didn’t realise how much she missed it. How open it made her feel.

As Yasha starts to speak, Beau looks back up at her, and she swears she can see a blush across her cheeks. “I’m glad that I could… offer you some happiness then.” It appears that it’s difficult for her to say the words, but Beau listens intently anyway. “And, you know… just before everything happened with Obann, you and I had a really nice conversation.”

“I remember.” It’s one of the things she thought about the most while Yasha was gone. That final conversation on watch.

“I hope that… you feel like you can talk to me. If you want to. You’ve certainly listened to me before.”

Beau picks at the grass on the ground. She suddenly feels exposed. Almost _embarrassed._ It’s been too long since she’s felt like she could be open with her emotions in front of someone. She’s not used to it. “I wouldn’t wanna… dump any of my baggage on you.”

Yasha shrugs slightly. “Well… it would be a nice change of pace from my own baggage, so…”

Beau can’t help but smile. She’s not wrong. And it feels… nice to have someone check up on her. She didn’t think she’d feel this way. Maybe she has felt lonely for a while. 

“It doesn’t have to be right now,” Yasha reassures her, and the kind smile returns, only to melt Beau’s heart once again. “I don’t want to pressure you, I just…” She pauses, as if she’s considering her next words carefully. “I know you keep a lot to yourself. Sometimes it’s… easier to share the load.” She pauses again, ducking her head. “It sounds so stupid coming from _me_ , I know.”

“Well…” Beau laughs quietly. “Everyone is always better at giving advice than taking it.”

“True.”

Their eyes meet again, and Beau wishes they were alone. “Thank you, Yasha.” 

The light returns to Yasha’s mismatched eyes, the glow from the fire reflecting within them. It’s almost as beautiful as the glow of her wings. Almost. “You’re welcome, Beau.”

Beau takes a moment to study the look on Yasha’s face, which is almost serene as she looks back at her. She narrows her eyes. “What?”

Yasha’s expression doesn’t change. “Just… thinking about flying.”

“Yeah.” Beau smiles. “Me, too.”

Yasha continues to look directly at her. It’s completely disarming. “I wish they lasted for longer than a minute.”

The longer Yasha looks at her, Beau starts to feel all rational thoughts drain out of her head. “Maybe… when you get stronger… the Stormlord will do you a solid. Make ‘em last longer.”

What she wants to say is: _I want them around for longer than a minute, too._ _I want more moments like that with you. It’s not even about the wings, but I want that._

“Maybe.” Yasha’s expression suddenly becomes shy, and she finally looks away from Beau. “Before that… maybe we can go again.”

Beau blinks a couple of times. “You mean… you and me?”

“Maybe next time we can, uh… time it. You know, so we don’t fall to our deaths.”

Beau is breathless. “The fall was kinda fun, though.”

Beau notices that Yasha is biting back a smile, despite not looking at her. “Yeah, it was.”

“But, we can totally time it. For sure. Yeah.” She definitely doesn’t want to knock back that opportunity. “Wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Well.” Yasha shrugs easily. “That’s more your job than mine.”

Beau grins. When she first met Yasha, she definitely didn’t see a future where Yasha would be outwardly teasing her and constantly smiling at her. It’s satisfying, in a way. She’s proud to be someone that Yasha can let her guard down around. Maybe not entirely, but she opens up more with every passing day.

She also thinks it’s wild that one minute, they can barely form sentences around each other, and the next, they’re having deep conversations that Beau wouldn’t have with anyone else.

“I’m, uh… enjoying this new side of you,” Beau says boldly, swallowing as soon as she says it. It sounded much better in her head. “Not that the old you was bad- you know, I just… you’re different.”

“You’re the second person who has said that to me tonight.” Yasha ducks her head again. “Things feel… lighter. A little, anyway. I don’t know how long it will last, but I like it, too. It’s been a long time.”

It looks good on her. _Ridiculously_ good on her. Beau’s sure that true happiness will look even better, whatever form that comes in for Yasha.

“Beau.”

Yasha’s voice brings her back down from the clouds, and she looks at her.

“Maybe things can get better for the both of us.”

Beau’s not sure why these words hit her more than any of the other things Yasha has said throughout this conversation, but she feels it deep in her bones. Like someone’s just grabbed her heart and squeezed it tightly. People don’t look at her. People don’t _see_ her in this way. She’s been able to fly under the radar for so long with her emotions, only for someone like Yasha to quietly understand everything she hasn’t said. Everything she’s felt but hasn’t spoken about.

Now, she _really_ wants to kiss her. The only thing stopping her is the knowledge that she cares about Yasha. A lot. She’s not just a one night stand in Kamordah, or someone to be chased around just because she’s attractive. It's no longer about the same things it was when they first met in Trostenwald.

Furrowing her eyebrows, Beau’s head drops back down to look at the dirt again. It takes her a moment, but she looks back up at Yasha again. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Yasha stares for a moment, as if she’s surprised to hear it. It’s true that the group doesn’t share their appreciation of each other enough. Well, to certain members, anyway. Yasha, unfortunately, happens to be one of those.

“Thank you, Beau.” A pause. Beau can see the shyness in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re here, too.”

It’s only then that Beau realises they’re not actually alone. Wrapped up in each other for a brief moment, she completely forgets about the island and the celebration and Travellercon and the stupid flask. Brought back to reality far too soon, but Yasha's still there. Gentle eyes. Quiet smile. Fingers fiddling with each other.

Yasha’s full of surprises, and Beau is pretty sure she wants every single one of them.


End file.
